The big day

I have to admit, I haven't been in Lidl for some time and my shopping time has been saturated with the gastro-glamour of Waitrose and Marks and Spencers...

I just had to drop into Lidl when passing by. It was like meeting an old friend, an old, tramp-like friend with a mental problem but who has demonstrated his loyalty over the years and remained one of those true friends who never lets you down, despite smelling of cabbage.

Anyway, on walking around the store I noticed a member of 'senior staff' barking at another staff member who was putting up some suspended price signs. They were a bit wonky, all of them.

I had actually noticed this earlier but didn't feel I needed to bring this to the attention to a member of staff.

The member of staff who was putting up the signs waddled down off his ladder and the senior member of staff grabbed the yellow laminated A4 sign from his hand and said:

"We'll NEVER get somebody this important come to this store again so EVERYTHING has to be right. The signs have to be straight... like this..."

I don't think they were talking about my return to the store, but it was clearly a big day for them as well.

Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink

So, I'm buying my value-ham.

I walk past an overweight roundish man in a gigantic rain coat and fur hat. He seems to be carrying about 30 or 40 shopping bags. He seems a little lost, but I avoid eye contact and simply walk past him.

A member of staff asks him if he is lost or needs help.

He simply replies "WATTA".

She then says "Are you looking for the water section?"

Almost motionless, standing at a 90° angle to the aisle with his face almost touching the opposite side, again he replies "WATTA".

"Right sir, the bottled water is over there..."

"WATTA".

"Is it water you want sir?"

"WATTA."

"Sir, do you need any help?"

"WATTA"

"Do you want me to get somebody?"

... "WATTA!"

:: Member of staff backs away slowly ::

Quick setting cement

Great for the Lidl-shopping-mobster. At £2.99 for 30kg it's the ultimate mob victim disposal
device. Simply stand your disloyal ex-colleague or victim in the tub, wait a three minutes and head towards the Thames.

A message to my loyal fans

I'm not sure what has come over me. November 2005 was the last time I mentioned anything on this page about Lidl and the truth of the matter is, well... I'm ashamed to say... I've been shopping in Waitrose again. Their selection of fine wines and their deli counter was just far too tempting. I promise this will never happen again.

I was reminded of Lidl, the old obsession I had and this blog when I saw a Lidl customer walking down the high street wearing their 3p carrier bag as a vest.

Here is a Lidl themed robot to kick things off again courtesy Ben Brignell illustrator, webbyator and drawastrator.


I can only say I hope to do more and not let down my loyal fans.

TO LIDL!!!

The Legendary LIDL Horse Blanket

I have mentioned it on the site in the past... word of it has been muttered in public places... but the LIDL horse blanket has always been a mystery, an enigma... even a myth.

Few have purchased the item for sale in LIDL aimed at a target audience as likely to own a horse as an aristocrat own a pink toweling tracksuit.

The price at a shocking £24.99 means the blanket could not have an alternative use such as a blanket for a baby or even curtains for a bathroom window. It's one of the rare occasions that a REAL baby blanket or a REAL set of curtains for a bathroom window in ANOTHER shop would in fact be cheaper.

ONLY somebody with a horse would consider purchasing it - yet does LIDL really attract the horse owning types?

The pile of horse blankets remains untouched as does the pile of doggy life vests.

What LIDL are forgetting is most LIDL shoppers actually eat horse meat.

The hunt for Red October

Loyal fans *may* wonder what happened to the posts for October this year.

Well, there are none. "What caused this contemptible lack of commitment to your blog" you may be thinking...?

It is one of the following three reasons, YOU the listener/reader must decide...

1. I was very busy
2. I had been tempted by Tescos
3. October was the OCTOBER LIDL BEER FEST!!!!!!!
   

ALL NEW self-serve branch of LIDL!

Well, maybe not so.

But today I did act as my own cashier. I purchased a LARGE amount of items which came to £3.68, these were scanned by the vacant looking cashier who after completing this monotonous task was pushed by a fellow colleague and shouted at. Then an argument developed, a couple of minor "pushes", (nothing too violent) and then the argument about what seemed to be a confusion regarding one of their shifts being relieved continued... leaving me standing there looking at them as blankly as the look I first received from my cashier.

So I placed my switch card into the chip and pin device, completed the transaction, leaned over the counter and grabbed the receipt, took my copy, left the duplicate copy on the till and walked away... all of which was done while they both had their backs to me. Good job I was honest eh!?

Salt and Pepper Grinder that is ALSO a torch

Is this device a myth?

Does this item really exist? What purpose does it serve?

Please comment where possible.

Security Guard Duties

You gotta hand it to em'.

Security guards in LIDL really do work hard, it's like they run the show. Not only to they have to scrutinize every customer/would be criminal in an environment where shopping baskets are banned and customers/would be criminals are thus forced to use make-shift devices such as discarded boxes to transport their items to the counter... BUT they also handle complaints.

If an electronic device is faulty and under guarantee.. who do people hound? The cashier? The floor manager?

No, the security guard.

Surrounded by a small family of angry people he pulls open the box, checks guarantees and receipts... while suspiciously looking around to see if criminals are taking advantage of his lack of attention.

This same principle is applied if you have an item to take back or exchange.

Floor spillages. The janitor? The cashier? The floor manager? No, the security guard is the guy to haul out the "Warning Wet Surface" sign, get a mop and remove any evidence of cheap Germanic vodka spillages.

These guys are truly overlooked in every way. Please show your appreciation by carrying your items clearly in view and in no way look like you're hiding anything, smuggling or avoiding the responsibility of paying.

Küchen Tücher

Let's really hope the German word for "Bottom" isn't "Küchen".

Ice Ice Baby

You can be sure that your frozen products are... well... frozen. Surely their electricity expenses outweigh any meager profits LIDL can make... to maintain such a large amount of permafrost really must cost the Earth.

But if expense came in the way of customer satisfaction in LIDL then there really must be something wrong...

Lidl Chainsaw

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a chainsaw on a council estate a bad idea? If there were any trees they'd be lopped. And nearby cars would have the petrol syphoned to power the revving monster.

Oh no wait, you can see the lead. It's mains powered. A mains powered chain saw... NOW THAT'S SAFE!!!!

Perhaps they should start selling hockey masks in the December Bloodfest... although the screaming victims would have the chance to run away when you reach the end of the power lead...

Evolution, creation and starvation

Here's a question to ask an evolutionist.

What came first?

Lidl or Aldi?

Whichever one came first I'm sure they have the legal right to sue the other for trademark or branding violation. Both or them are 4 letter words with one L and one i which are interchangeable.

And in regional variations, each gets an "s" automatically added to it. "Ga'an daan Lidls innit..."

"WAR YOO BEEN - AAM STARVEEN"

"Been da'an Aldis"

Let's just hope it's LIDL...

Ten Steps to Good Parenting in LIDL (Can be applied to all supermarkets, excluding Waitrose and branches of Sainsburys with a deli counter)

Here is the infinitive guide to good parenting. As a public place, frequented very..well, frequently, the supermarket is the ideal arena to show off your child rearing skills...

• 1 - Start off with at least 4 children (If possible of varied race/colour/ethnic origin).


• 2 - Name them names that sound worst when howled (i.e. "Traceeeeeeeeeey!!!", "Jordaaaaaaan!!!" or "Sharrroooonnnnn!!!")


• 3 - Deprive your children of vital nutrients. (i.e. Purchase only reformed products, crisps, tinned meat, fish fingers... follow up any large shop with at least ONE additional trolley crammed full of frozen chips.)


• 4 - Do not be ashamed of your shopping habits, combine points 3 and 4 by yelling "Traaaacy!!!!! WE NEED MORE TINS!!!!! BEANS!!!!" or "NOT THESE CHIPS!! THE CHEAP ONES!!!!". This does not always apply to consumables. There is always the ever classic "NO!!! I SAID PINK BOG ROLL NOT PEACH!!!!"


• 5 - If your children demonstrate any signs of being remotely healthy, squash this immediately by smoking over them, especially when leaning over a child's push chair.


• 6 - Have keys, mobile phone and purse in one hand at all times while in control of push chair.


• 7 - Train at least one of the children to drop/break/open and spill contents of any, what you consider, 'luxury items' that would not normally be included in your weekly shop, directly after checkout. Then yell and howl at this child until all your children are in tears. Then promise (by howling) no forthcoming luxury items in future shopping trips as you yank them by the arm towards you.


• 8 - Your children should always want the items you can in no way afford. Yell and howl to explain this, perhaps throwing in how much your boyfriend (yes, the set rule is only women should take their kids shopping) earns to explain there is no facility available to make such a purchase.


• 9 - Make as much noise as possible and tutt and roll your eyes as you walk past other shoppers, indicating that the chaos and noise is obviously down to your having uncontrollable children and naturally is of no fault of your own.


• 10 - After piling all your goods on the checkout conveyor belt... suddenly remember at least one item per child that you have forgotten, and send all children off into each far corner of the store like Winged Monkeys... Then, if an incorrect item is brought back from the gathering... shout "TELL YA WHAT!!! FORGET IT!!!!"

Follow the above steps and only THEN will you succeed as a good parent.

*Does not apply to Waitrose or branches of Sainsburys with a deli counter. Warning, some children may grow up intelligent of their own accord. Always read the label.

Telescopic Extendable Fruit Pickers

Average fruit tree to each council property... 0.0003.

On sale, extendable fruit pickers... for picking fruit from the tree you don't have.

It almost sells itself. Why buy fruit, when you can pick fruit from a wealthy neighbors' orchard, abundant in fresh fruit - out of reach for human hands... but no match for the extendable (telescopic) fruit grabber...?

Doggy Life Vest Update

The pile of life vests have been rummaged, reshuffled and disheveled... yet not one has sold.

See Article: Aw, LIDL Doggy Life Vests

Buffalo Mozzarella Down 30p and THAT'S THE TRUTH!!!

Wow. As if it couldn't be any cheaper.
I bet those Eastern Bloc milk hunters are taking down those buffaloes left right and centre with their gat guns... robbing the local Injuns of their heritage and moccasin/food supply.
Oh well, I guess moccasins will be up for grabs under the next offer promotion in Lidl stores....

Lidl Vodka/Anaesthetic/Fuel of Some Sort

The discerning boozer, home surgeon, backstreet surgeon ("Hi Doctor Nick!" ) and under 18 BMX riding squirrel catapulting juvenile will surely be familiar with this range of Vodka drinks, anaesthetics or explosives (pictured).

123% over proof and only 78p per 4 litre bottle... now that is liver rotting car exploding value.

Simply pour onto a car bonnet and "...that will go through the engine block of a Fiat Uno no problem".

After purchasing, do not stand within 3 miles of any naked flame (or person) and make sure you have your doggy life vest close to hand...

The two in-store options are:

• Blue Flavoured


• Red Flavoured

Why no baskets!!!?

As you may be aware, Lidl do not supply shopping baskets. Also, there are signs EVERYWHERE saying those spotted putting items into their own bags will be subject to bag searches and the scrutiny of the security staff.

How does one transport ones items to the checkout one might ask?

Well, one can... with difficulty.

Here is their policy on shopping and 'simplicity'...

"Quality is big and prices are small at Lidl.

Yes, we do charge for carrier bags - at Lidl you only pay for what you get. There are no hidden charges at Lidl and all our prices are the most competitive, every day.
Yes, it's true that we don't offer shopping baskets - at Lidl we only provide trolleys. You will need to put in a pound coin as a deposit - that saves us costs and these savings are passed on to you.
Yes, we sell a number of products directly from boxes or from pallets - at Lidl we keep everything straightforward and simple and that's why you save more."

Yes, I always thought the shopping basket was a pretty simple concept.

Yes, everything from now on will start with "Yes, "

Yes, one option to transport your cheapy items to the checkout is a shopping trolley, which seems very unnecessary if one is popping in to get a carton of Apfel Saft (Apple juice made from 50% concentrate). Imagine that, a carton of Apfel Saft or Apple Juice 'Cloudy' (Made from 100% apples) jangling around in a trolley. Crazy!!!

Yes, actually not crazy, you can carry one carton without the need of a trolley... You wouldn't even need a basket at all. So let's say you have 4 cartons of Apfel Saft 'Cloudy', 6 free range eggs and a tub of cashew nuts. THEN you are in the limbo area between trolley and basket. The eggs are fragile. You 'could' balance these on the Apple Juice 'Cloudy' but you are already being pretty pikey anyway. To put such a small amount of items into a trolley would make you appear even poorer, SO.. what do you do!!!?

You grab a box. Yes, a plain old box. Again to keep the overheads down there are no shelves but pallets of products simply placed on the shop floor and yours truly has the job of opening the boxes to get at the contents inside.

A typical procedure would be:

• To enter the store, scout around without picking up any items (Avoiding the stares of the security guard) and find a box, perhaps in the baked beans section. For example a box of baked beans, with only two or three tins remaining. Simply remove the remaining tins, place neatly aside and continue shopping with your new make-shift shopping carrier (i.e. a Box)


• To walk into the store. Grab the nearest box of products. Tip contents onto floor. Walk away with your new make-shift shopping carrier (i.e. a Box)


• To walk into the store, follow the person who entered just before you, stand behind them while they empty the few remaining items from a box on the pallets, wait until they turn their head, distract them or push them over.. and walk away with your new make-shift shopping carrier (i.e. a Box)

What is even odder is you have to pay for carrier bags. Unlike any other shop in the WORLD... so surely they have the money coming in there, overheads still reduced... but to spend on baskets?

You see, this is the reason Lidl stands out from Farm Foods and Aldi... it's just so original on so many levels.

I love Lidl

Don't we all!?
Now I have several theories about this vandal.

• It's not a vandal, but the manager of the store doing some shameless promotion


• A Post Python Modernist Comedian with a surrealist sense of humor


• Somebody out there really genuinely loves Lidl and wants to tell the world

Either way, somebody did it... and probably meant it, in some way or another. Whoever it was, I take my hat off to them, not condoning their vandalistic actions, but rather, their self expression.
I don't have a hat.
So, I'll just settle for a swig of Apfel Saft 'Cloudy' in their honor....

Aw... Lidl Doggy Life Vests

Truly bizarre yes.. and very very Lidl indeed. A life vest for a dog, for sale in an East London store of Lidl. OF COURSE! Doggy life vests, in London... I can't believe I haven't already got one. Do Lidl have visions of a post apocalyptic flood? The humble canine will drag the soggy and waterlogged remaining survivors of humanity to high ground and start the world from afresh... in a much much more pikey environment. However, sadly, as pikey humanity begins, the dogs will be hunted down for food... hunted at night as with their fluorescent orange life vests they will be visible for miles. Speared to the ground by a Lidl frozen baguette and devoured in return for saving the whole of humanity.
Surprisingly, despite the value for money, I don't think a single one of these has sold.
I guess humanity is doomed.

Lidl Smells Funny

It's just so... "Eastern Bloc"

An Example of Typical Lidl Staff

Typical Lidl staff, willing to meet and greet you in every store... Just don't mention Aldi's... they could turn on you, pepped up on high sugar content fruit juice and pure unfiltered ambition.

The classiest joints

Could it be said Lidl may be alienating the middle class, aristocratic and celebrity shopping audience in the location of their stores? Are they encouraging a new slob culture, shoppers not having to walk to their local store when it is directly beneath them, one Lidl installed under every high rise council estate? Are perhaps my questions too long?

Welcome to My LIDL Obsession

So what is this all about?
Well you may notice the insanely witty pun, LIDL='Little'.. oh ho ho....

Anyway, my name is Ben and I'm probably the biggest snob in the world. LIDL is the most pikiest chain of low budget shops in the world which attracts the dregs of society. It's the cheapest shop in the world, yet all shoppers are criminalised by the security staff and seen as potential thieves. Bags searches are not uncommon, neither are raging arguments in the long, long, long checkout queues. Did I say "Long"?...

To sum the place up, I quote the urbandictionary - "The typical Lidl customer keeps the bags and wears them as clothes. Worse than Asda, somerfield and iceland put together."

Yet, I am strangely drawn to this world, I am now a regular shopper... however not due to the low prices, but for the fantastic experiences I gain on each trip.

For example, in each store is a random selection of non edible items that change on a weekly basis profiled normally in the central aisle of the store. Things ranging from inflatable kids pools to flip flops and pillar drills. Sometimes electrical goods such as microwaves and toasters appear in this section. I have even seen a range of life vests for pet dogs appear in this aisle.

However, bearing in mind this is the pikiest shop in the world, aimed at the sub working class dregs of society... to my surprise in this section has been profiled low cost horse riding gear, horse coats and all manner of riding equipment... a typically aristocratic product range...

Anyway, this site will be dedicated to, and blessed with, my... truly bizarre findings...