Ten Steps to Good Parenting in LIDL (Can be applied to all supermarkets, excluding Waitrose and branches of Sainsburys with a deli counter)

Here is the infinitive guide to good parenting. As a public place, frequented very..well, frequently, the supermarket is the ideal arena to show off your child rearing skills...

• 1 - Start off with at least 4 children (If possible of varied race/colour/ethnic origin).


• 2 - Name them names that sound worst when howled (i.e. "Traceeeeeeeeeey!!!", "Jordaaaaaaan!!!" or "Sharrroooonnnnn!!!")


• 3 - Deprive your children of vital nutrients. (i.e. Purchase only reformed products, crisps, tinned meat, fish fingers... follow up any large shop with at least ONE additional trolley crammed full of frozen chips.)


• 4 - Do not be ashamed of your shopping habits, combine points 3 and 4 by yelling "Traaaacy!!!!! WE NEED MORE TINS!!!!! BEANS!!!!" or "NOT THESE CHIPS!! THE CHEAP ONES!!!!". This does not always apply to consumables. There is always the ever classic "NO!!! I SAID PINK BOG ROLL NOT PEACH!!!!"


• 5 - If your children demonstrate any signs of being remotely healthy, squash this immediately by smoking over them, especially when leaning over a child's push chair.


• 6 - Have keys, mobile phone and purse in one hand at all times while in control of push chair.


• 7 - Train at least one of the children to drop/break/open and spill contents of any, what you consider, 'luxury items' that would not normally be included in your weekly shop, directly after checkout. Then yell and howl at this child until all your children are in tears. Then promise (by howling) no forthcoming luxury items in future shopping trips as you yank them by the arm towards you.


• 8 - Your children should always want the items you can in no way afford. Yell and howl to explain this, perhaps throwing in how much your boyfriend (yes, the set rule is only women should take their kids shopping) earns to explain there is no facility available to make such a purchase.


• 9 - Make as much noise as possible and tutt and roll your eyes as you walk past other shoppers, indicating that the chaos and noise is obviously down to your having uncontrollable children and naturally is of no fault of your own.


• 10 - After piling all your goods on the checkout conveyor belt... suddenly remember at least one item per child that you have forgotten, and send all children off into each far corner of the store like Winged Monkeys... Then, if an incorrect item is brought back from the gathering... shout "TELL YA WHAT!!! FORGET IT!!!!"

Follow the above steps and only THEN will you succeed as a good parent.

*Does not apply to Waitrose or branches of Sainsburys with a deli counter. Warning, some children may grow up intelligent of their own accord. Always read the label.

Telescopic Extendable Fruit Pickers

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On sale, extendable fruit pickers... for picking fruit from the tree you don't have.

It almost sells itself. Why buy fruit, when you can pick fruit from a wealthy neighbors' orchard, abundant in fresh fruit - out of reach for human hands... but no match for the extendable (telescopic) fruit grabber...?

Doggy Life Vest Update

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